When
you first step into a coffee shop, get out of the way of the door. This way,
families and crotchety senior citizens won’t hit you with their diaper bags and
become irritated as you try to maneuver away from the door. Sometimes you’ll
end up bumping into a child or someone’s granny who uses a rickety walker. Confrontation
should always be avoided, so express your sincerest apology, reach out a hand
as if to touch their arm that you bumped, and twirl in awkward circles until a
safe spot is noticeable.
Usually
when you maneuver away from the door, you’ll end up blocking someone who needs
cream and sugar for their coffee at the prep station that’s covered in napkins,
sugar, cream, and an assortment of utensils. When this happens, the stranger
you’re blocking will stand dormant next to the counter with a half-smile until
you move out of their peripherals. You apologize, make a high-pitched voice,
and mention how much of a traffic blocker you are today with a cheesy smile that
lengthens the horizon of your face.
When
you move away from the coffee prep station, be sure to slide into the line in
front of the front register. This way, you can stare blankly at the giant menu
and still be undecided when you reach the barista. It’s highly likely that you
will bump into a stranger without teeth who smells like aged cigarettes and
will try talking you into buying him (or her) a scone.
This
doesn’t actually happen often, so don’t worry. When it does, politely say that
you only have the money for a coffee and apologize in a high-pitched voice. Then
you buy the most expensive thing on the menu that gets rid of your money. Therefore,
buying a scone for the stranger who smells like aged cigarettes is unnecessary.
After
ordering a very complicated – yet delicious – drink, find yourself a booth to
take up by yourself and put your feet up in disrespect. You have earned a
high-five and expensive coffee to reward yourself in conquering the coffee shop
rules.
